第185章

Exeunt W HEN THEY brought the body home, the next morning, Gudrun was shut up in her room.From her window she saw men coming along with a burden, over the snow.She sat still and let the minutes go by.

There came a tap at her door.She opened.There stood a woman, saying softly, oh, far too reverently:

`They have found him, madam!'

`Il est mort?'

`Yes -- hours ago.'

Gudrun did not know what to say.What should she say? What should she feel? What should she do? What did they expect of her? She was coldly at a loss.

`Thank you,' she said, and she shut the door of her room.The woman went away mortified.Not a word, not a tear -- ha! Gudrun was cold, a cold woman.

Gudrun sat on in her room, her face pale and impassive.What was she to do? She could not weep and make a scene.She could not alter herself.

She sat motionless, hiding from people.Her one motive was to avoid actual contact with events.She only wrote out a long telegram to Ursula and Birkin.

In the afternoon, however, she rose suddenly to look for Loerke.She glanced with apprehension at the door of the room that had been Gerald's.

Not for worlds would she enter there.

She found Loerke sitting alone in the lounge.She went straight up to him.

`It isn't true, is it?' she said.

He looked up at her.A small smile of misery twisted his face.He shrugged his shoulders.

`True?' he echoed.

`We haven't killed him?' she asked.

He disliked her coming to him in such a manner.He raised his shoulders wearily.

`It has happened,' he said.

She looked at him.He sat crushed and frustrated for the time being, quite as emotionless and barren as herself.My God! this was a barren tragedy, barren, barren.

She returned to her room to wait for Ursula and Birkin.She wanted to get away, only to get away.She could not think or feel until she had got away, till she was loosed from this position.

The day passed, the next day came.She heard the sledge, saw Ursula and Birkin alight, and she shrank from these also.

Ursula came straight up to her.

`Gudrun!' she cried, the tears running down her cheeks.And she took her sister in her arms.Gudrun hid her face on Ursula's shoulder, but still she could not escape the cold devil of irony that froze her soul.

`Ha, ha!' she thought, `this is the right behaviour.'

But she could not weep, and the sight of her cold, pale, impassive face soon stopped the fountain of Ursula's tears.In a few moments, the sisters had nothing to say to each other.

`Was it very vile to be dragged back here again?' Gudrun asked at length.

Ursula looked up in some bewilderment.

`I never thought of it,' she said.

`I felt a beast, fetching you,' said Gudrun.`But I simply couldn't see people.That is too much for me.'

`Yes,' said Ursula, chilled.

Birkin tapped and entered.His face was white and expressionless.She knew he knew.He gave her his hand, saying:

`The end of this trip, at any rate.'

Gudrun glanced at him, afraid.

There was silence between the three of them, nothing to be said.At length Ursula asked in a small voice:

`Have you seen him?'

He looked back at Ursula with a hard, cold look, and did not trouble to answer.

`Have you seen him?' she repeated.

`I have,' he said, coldly.

Then he looked at Gudrun.

`Have you done anything?' he said.

`Nothing,' she replied, `nothing.'

She shrank in cold disgust from making any statement.

`Loerke says that Gerald came to you, when you were sitting on the sledge at the bottom of the Rudelbahn, that you had words, and Gerald walked away.

What were the words about? I had better know, so that I can satisfy the authorities, if necessary.'

Gudrun looked up at him, white, childlike, mute with trouble.

`There weren't even any words,' she said.`He knocked Loerke down and stunned him, he half strangled me, then he went away.'

To herself she was saying:

`A pretty little sample of the eternal triangle!' And she turned ironically away, because she knew that the fight had been between Gerald and herself and that the presence of the third party was a mere contingency -- an inevitable contingency perhaps, but a contingency none the less.But let them have it as an example of the eternal triangle, the trinity of hate.It would be simpler for them.

Birkin went away, his manner cold and abstracted.But she knew he would do things for her, nevertheless, he would see her through.She smiled slightly to herself, with contempt.Let him do the work, since he was so extremely good at looking after other people.

Birkin went again to Gerald.He had loved him.And yet he felt chiefly disgust at the inert body lying there.It was so inert, so coldly dead, a carcase, Birkin's bowels seemed to turn to ice.He had to stand and look at the frozen dead body that had been Gerald.

It was the frozen carcase of a dead male.Birkin remembered a rabbit which he had once found frozen like a board on the snow.It had been rigid like a dried board when he picked it up.And now this was Gerald, stiff as a board, curled up as if for sleep, yet with the horrible hardness somehow evident.It filled him with horror.The room must be made warm, the body must be thawed.The limbs would break like glass or like wood if they had to be straightened.

He reached and touched the dead face.And the sharp, heavy bruise of ice bruised his living bowels.He wondered if he himself were freezing too, freezing from the inside.In the short blond moustache the life-breath was frozen into a block of ice, beneath the silent nostrils.And this was Gerald!

Again he touched the sharp, almost glittering fair hair of the frozen body.It was icy-cold, hair icy-cold, almost venomous.Birkin's heart began to freeze.He had loved Gerald.Now he looked at the shapely, strange-coloured face, with the small, fine, pinched nose and the manly cheeks, saw it frozen like an ice-pebble -- yet he had loved it.What was one to think or feel?

His brain was beginning to freeze, his blood was turning to ice-water.

So cold, so cold, a heavy, bruising cold pressing on his arms from outside, and a heavier cold congealing within him, in his heart and in his bowels.