第9章

Aretha Franklin sang it—

"R.E.S.P.E.C.T—find out what it means to me."

Aretha made a lot of sense (and cents, too) with her hit refrain. Respect has different meanings to different people. To receive it, you have to spell out what respect means to you.

The respect you get influences how much you love (or don't love) your work. Many dissatisfied people dislike their jobs because they don't feel respected—for who they are or what they do. If you don't feel respected, don't just wait and hope for your boss, colleagues, or employees to give it to you. Clarify what respect means to you. Tell someone what you want and need in order to feel more respected. Find ways to get more respect, right where you are.

When I was promoted to a project lead role, I was told I needed to be more "leaderlike." What on Earth did that mean? I asked several people that question, including my boss. She said that I was respected as a researcher, but not as a leader in the organization. She said (and others agreed) that I should speak up in meetings, that I was just too quiet and people assumed I had nothing of value to contribute—otherwise, I would have talked more.

I was shocked and hurt at first. I never want to pretend to be someone I'm not, and frankly I don't respect some of the "conversation hogs" on the team.

I decided to go after the respect that was missing. I found a colleague who encouraged me to try some new behaviors, including offering my suggestions and ideas in meetings. She suggested I find a new way to participate, like adding my opinion from time to time, while still being myself. After months of my trying new and subtle changes, people started noticing and told me how much they valued my input.

I let go of some of my own biases and changed some of my behaviors to get the respect I wanted. In the process I found ways to respect my outspoken colleagues for what they bring to the party. We're different—but that difference actually makes our team stronger.

This researcher looked for the "grain of truth" in the feedback she got from others, and she chose to make some changes. In the process, she learned to value the style diversity on her team.

To "get more respect," try this:

First and foremost, make sure you're a solid performer (meeting your goals consistently). Solid performers almost always get more respect.

Then:

Figure out who does and doesn't respect you and why. Ask a friend at work to tell you honestly how much you're respected and why. Listen for what's true in the feedback. Listen for the good news, too. Sometimes we're so focused on negative feedback, we forget to notice and celebrate the positive.

Tell someone that you want and need more respect. Ideally, tell the one who can give you what you want. Be specific about what it would look like. Say, "I'd feel more respected if you did more of this or less of this." Many people think they're respectful but are missing the mark. They might appreciate your frank input and your clear request to do something differently.

My teammate was shocked when I told her I didn't really feel respected by her. She said she does respect me and then listed several reasons why. She thought she already was respectful but agreed to try supporting my ideas in a new, more visible way. Specifically, she'll speak up on my behalf in meetings with my boss and teammates. That's exactly what I want and need from her.

Decide on the changes you want to make to get more respect. Decide on changes you don't want to make.

And—Give It to Get It!

With respect, what goes around comes around.

??Check out your own respect-giving tendencies. Do you respect others? How? When?

I went with my family to the Museum of Tolerance in Los Angeles. What an experience. I entered knowing that I don't have a prejudiced bone in my body, and I left realizing I do have a few leanings. Those leanings affect my dealings with colleagues, bosses, even customers. I'm working on them, and some of my attitudes are slowly shifting—for the better.

Leanings Check

Be honest. Admit to your leanings toward or away from those with different

skin color,

status,

personality,

age,

education,

height or weight,

title,

accent,

geographic origin,

job function,

gender,

lifestyle,

sexual orientation,

talent,

_____________(add one), and

_____________(add another).

How do your leanings affect your ability to feel and demonstrate respect for others? Do you talk to some more or involve some less? If you see a leaning getting in your way, decide to change. It may take a little time because old leanings die hard. Stick with it. As you respect others, you'll feel respect come flowing back to you.

GREETINGS. I am pleased to see that we are different. May we together become greater than the sum of both of us.

—Mr. Spock of Star Trek

You deserve respect. We all do. Get your share by performing well, by asking for it, by continually improving, and yes, by being willing to change YOU in small but significant ways.

Seen in a church parking lot in Woodinville, WA.